Ok. I suppose I should jump on the Summer Project bandwagon and finally commit to a blog so that you all can be informed of the very unimportant details of my extremely insignificant thoughts. Right? Right. Well, let's start here.
1) I am a terrible blogger. I have no particular reason for this. I am just a terrible blogger. Look for my next post in about a year?
2) I talk/write/think/ramble/babble etc. stream of conciousness style. Maybe this will be good for me? A blog might be a nice way to concentrate all of my thoughts?
3) I want to keep you all up to date on the happenings of my walk in these two short months before I ship off to Angola! As aforementioned, I am not the best thought collector or distributor, so please be patient with me as I endeavor into the blogging realm!
4) We are going to start this blog off Middle Eastern style. This story is not going to begin with the beginning, but begin rather in the middle. The Middle begins the end of the initial beginning and begins the unknown end. FYI- I do most things backwards... and this will emphasize the importance of Alphas (beginnings) and Omegas (ends.)
5) So now that I have utterly confused you, please uncrinkle your brow as I begin to explain to you the Middle.
Essentially, the idea of this blog is to track thoughts, growth, prayers, struggles, smiles, confusion, giggles, eye-rolls, tears, joys, thanks...etc. in these next two months as God prepares my heart, tongue, and spirit for the work He is doing now, as well as for the work He is doing in August through our team. Which is why we must start in the middle. We must begin with what God is doing right NOW. This does not mean that I am willing to discredit what God HAS done and this does not mean that I am willing to discredit what God WILL do. This means that I am beginning with how God is working NOW, in the middle... [dramatic pause!]
I am currently experiencing this new sensation... and it is a combination of overwhelming excitement and sheer terror! These next few months are packed FULL of of new people, new places, new ...everything! And I have no idea where to start...! I am so thankful for the work being done here! God is ruthlessly and pitilessly growing and refining my spirit each day... each hour! He is destroying my inhibition and giving me an irrisistable desire to run with all that He has done and all that He has overcome. Which... as generally necessary, God has chosen to crush me in an undeniable way. In these past few months, God has penetrated my heart so fully, and given me a desire to seek out an understanding for brokenness and humility. As God unveiled such a prayer, He began to answer it slowly... without reserve. So here I am. I am in waiting (as I often am) about innumerous things...
This week, as we began a new sermon series at FBC Jax, Jason explained the importance of viewing what is ahead of us through the "lens of the Spirit" rather than through the "lens of our experiences." If you know me, you know that I LOVE taking photos... ergo, my subject obviously determines my choice of lens when I bust out Nikki the Nikon. I could use a bunch of cliches here and say that "Ooh, I SO needed to hear that on Sunday morning." or "God REALLY gripped my heart as Jason preached that sermon!" or, my personal favorite, "Jason said those words, and I KNEW he was talking to ME!" And while those cliches would hold relevant truths, they would each be devastating understatements. Sunday morning I was shown that I cannot avoid brokenness if I want to continue down the path. By viewing that which is to come through the "lense of experience," I am distorting what is seen because of scratches to the lens, or a freak reflection, or maybe even some unavoidable fog? It simply cannot be done if you are seeking a clear photo. As a believer, God created me to be a vessel. He created me to be a communicator. He created me to be a lover, an appreciator, and a joyful worshipper in the midst of pain and blemish. The "lens of the spirit" is clear. It is focused. It accurately measures distance and light. Because it is well cared for, it functions properly even when scratched, dented, or occasionally dropped onto the concrete!
Someone insanely special to me said these wise words recently:
"Imagine your pain at its greatest height. Imagine yourself at your lowest low. Dwell on it for a moment. Now... Imagine yourself through it. Not enduring it, not struggling... but all of the way through your trial. Imagine yourself at the exact moment that you are set free and what will be done with your story."
So here I am. I am changing lenses. God is slowly unveiling the beauty of His mercy through reconciliation as He has so many times before. The beginning of this story will never change, that is why it was omitted. God knew He would allow it before I even came to be. He knew that such a beginning would serve as a struggle and an obstacle. He knew that such a beginning... would require a broken heart and a spirit that craved the power of the Gospel and the power of Grace.
This is the middle. This is the power of the Cross allowing me to look through an unblemished lens because of undeserved Mercy. The Beginning does not determine the End nearly as much as the Middle. I'm letting go of all reserve, anxiety, and insecurity. This is not because of my own strength, but because it has already been overcome.
So here's to the second half of the story... the second half begins with Summer and all of the "new" it has to offer. Here's to being thankful for the nation of Angola. Here's to being thankful for Grace and for freedoms. Here's to loving effortlessly and fearlessly. Here's to re-igniting a dry spirit. Here's to beach trips, and plane tickets, and long prayers, and not so random text messages containing scripture. Here's to waiting on the bigger, CLEARER, picture.
And this, my friends, is the final sentence of my first Summer Project Blog.
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